An EEEEEEEVIL top 10 Thanksgiving List.
Without further adieu and perhaps a few wicked chuckles, I present to you my Top 10 Anime Characters You DON’T Want To Invite For Thanksgiving!
Now, a caveat: a couple of these items have more than one character, but this is due to the fact you’re probably never going to find one without the other… or I’m just the kind of asshole who thinks it’d be fun as hell to have this many people bust up on yer Thanksgiving.
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1. Natsu and Gray – Fairy Tail
Y’know, get any two or three Fairy Tail guild members together for an event and you’re guaranteed a brawl. There goes Gam-Gam’s famous sweet potato pie. Say goodbye to your mother’s turkey. Hell, say goodbye to your house – environmental destruction is what Fairy Tail specializes in, as a group.
Get THESE two together and there goes your whole freakin’ hood!
With a constant desire to fight and your favorite china and silverware out, yer whole house gettin’ hardcore explodered should be at the top of your worries.
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2. Monkey D. Luffy – One Piece
You ever had that friend who comes over on Thanksgiving and while you’re barely getting seconds, his or her hungry ass is workin’ on a fifth serving of everything?
Yeah, Luffy’d scarf your whole situation, friend. And he’d probably make you feel like you told him he could too.
With insides of rubber and as flexible as he is, yeah – your Thanksgiving ensemble is pretty much done – destroyed by the space vacuum that is his innards.
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3. Dark Schneider – BASTARD!!!
Have you SEEN him eat? He’d probably eat orphans if he could. As it’s explained in the world of Bastard, magic consumption takes up a lot of spiritual energy as well as caloric intake. To that end, a wizard has to eat quite a bit in order to keep up his or her power.
And yeah, Dark Schneider NEEDS all that go-juice, especially if you’re readin’ the manga.
But hell, the anime itself is bad enough, what with his previous generals of darkness goin’ head to head with him.
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4. Van – Gun X Sword
Sure Gun x Sword is basically Trigun without the IMMENSE AND SEVERE AMOUNT OF DEPRESSION AND ANGST, but Van pretty much destroys every dish he ever comes across, claiming the only way to taste the food is by dumping as many condiments on it as possible.
It’s not that he’ll wreck your Thanksgiving, it’s just you might want to pop him in the face as he fucks up your favorite casserole dish. I know men and women who’d freakin’ beat you down for looking at their prized dish cross-eyed – what kind of drama would Van cause the moment he started dumping mustard on your bacon macaroni and cheese?
GodAllahBuddah knows I’d punch you in the face for that.
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5. Lina Inverse, Amelia and/or Naga – Slayers (and it’s various sequels)
Okay, no, seriously. Have you ever seen Slayers? These ladies pack away the tonnage, period. After watching every single episode available on Netflix, I can also tell you that they’d charge you for it too.
For what it’s worth, they can also bring the environmental destruction, so if they even insomuch as notice your grandfather’s ashes have a strange aura to it…well.
Hope you got yer insurance up, friend.
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6. The Female Titan – Shingeki no Kyojin
I don’t care how hot you think she is as a human or as a Titan. Why the hell are you inviting her into your home? What is wrong with you?
I mean, I know you’re down with the Female Titan, just look at your rule 34 folder. But no, no.
Seriously, it’s too fucking obvious, I can’t even make a joke here. Thanksgiving is RUINED at this level – and it’s your fault – thinking she somehow ain’t gonna eat you, or you’re so goddamned charming that you’ll somehow get around the whole “enemy of all humankind” thing she’s got goin’ on.
SO, moving on….
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7. Gluttony – Full Metal Alchemist (and FMA: Brotherhood)
LOOK AT THE NAME! C’MON! Seriously, screw Gam-Gam’s monkey bread, he’s going to eat Gam-Gam. Why the hell did you invite him to your Thanksgiving Day feast?
Why… why did you think this was a good idea?
Suffice it to say, rocks fall. The party dies. Gluttony has devoured your family and you, in your selfishisness, have NOT unleashed the alchemical powers of an alternate dimension, sacrificing an arm and a leg to be able to protect them.
Bad end.
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8. Goku – Dragonball Everything
Do you really think we’re not going to bring up Goku, eh? The man? The myth? The legend?
When Waistline Connections put out the parody rap song, “Chow Down,” they were probably singing about this tail-less bastard.
Goku just ate your feast. He probably ate your car. He might’ve eaten your fridge. A senzu bean or two, a mighty nap, and it’s all done, friendoa.
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9. Kagura – Gintama
Yeah. I’ve brought up some big eaters, some big troublemakers, but we’re getting down to the nitty-gritty. Y’see, sometimes the big eats are implied, y’know? Or even from original runs of a show/manga…
But then you got Kagura, the cute Yato fighter on Gin-Tama.
She. Eats. In every episode.
She’s like Walter White Jr., what-with the eatin’ of breakfast in every episode. Except Kagura puts away more than an army battalion, and when she’s not eating she’s snacking on seaweed all the goddamn time.
She is a mighty brawler who is ALWAYS EATING. Hell, I’m fairly certain there were more than a few fights where she was eating WHILE fighting.
But that’s not all. This brings me to the real meat and potatoes of your wrecked dinner party.
This is it. This is the culmination of our top 10 list, and while it hasn’t been in any order (save for these final three), they’ve been delivered to merely highlight the incredible force this final three represents. And you deserve it all.
If I was the kind of jackwagon who hated you enough to send ANY of these characters to come screw up your mother’s delicious from-the-turkey stuffing, this last one is the one I’d send to you.
This would be my final fuck you. Like, an entire Evangelion last episode except instead of prophecies fulfilled, Unit 01 ascending and Rei claiming her godhead (or whatever the fuck was going on there), this would be just one, long, three thirty-minute episodes of FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOU!
And that would be:
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10. Toriko – Toriko
Or, really… ANYONE. ANY of the eaters from Toriko. This is the ultimate encapsulation of Thanksgiving Busting, right here.
Don’t even act like it ain’t. Thus far the list could be broken down to Big Eaters, Brawlers (or otherwise Disruption), and Environmental Destruction.
And there are TONS of characters in Toriko who do all three at any point in time.
And Toriko himself is the biggest glutton of them all (well, perhaps one or two others could beat him in an eating contest, like Midora or Captain Ansem).
The sheer amount of devastation this man can rain upon your Thanksgiving is so freakin’ eternal and absolute that your very soul shall be shrived from you forcibly. You will never, EVER want to even hear the words “Thanksgiving Day” for the rest of your fucking life. It’s done, son.
Your Thanksgiving is BUSTED!
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Wanna add yer two cents in? Be my guest and do so down in the comment section below.
Hell, if’n you see anyone who’s a better Thanksgiving Wrecker than freakin’ TORIKO, I’ll be more than glad to hear about it~!
Happy Thanksgiving from the Anime team! Even if you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, eat a bunch of nummy ass food, chillax to the max and give the fam a big ‘ol hug for us ~Cheers!